What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold

What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold
What happened? What did I do? I don't know what to think.


Does the above scenario sound at all familiar? If
so, you can relate to being confused and stunned
over the sudden change in a boyfriend's/girlfriend's
behavior.

Now think about this - What if your relationship
wasn't what you thought it was? What if unspoken
issues had existed all along? What if there were
signs you chose to ignore or just didn't see? Are
any of these possible?

Probably.

This sudden change in a couple's relationship is
reported quite a bit by individuals who have just
broken up with a significant other. Unfortunately, it
leaves the person who has been "dumped" with
feelings of low self-esteem, regret, inadequacy and
anger.

There is often no real closure, as the couple is
never able (willing) to talk through what went wrong
or was never right with their relationship.

So, how can you know what the problem was and
hope to avoid a repeat of this hurtful experience?
You can do this by examining your failed
relationship and gaining insight and understanding
about what just wasn't right between you.

In order to assist you with this; I am providing a
basic framework of the relationship stages a couple
must pass through TOGETHER in order to get to a
place of shared intimacy and commitment. If either
person's feelings change before, during or after one
of these stages; it is not necessarily the "fault" of
the other individual. It is simply a statement about
the individuals' rightness (or not) for each other. It
is also a reflection of each individual's relationship
readiness and ability to handle long-term,
committed intimacy.

How an individual handles their changing feelings
and resultant behavior toward the other is a subject
for another article.

Relationships have stages. We have all read
articles and books by authors who have come up
with their own unique number or names for these. I
will try to take a very basic approach to this and
keep it simple and as universal as possible.

Attraction

This is the first stage. It is physical, intellectual
and emotional - on a very surface level. Girl sees
boy and vice versa. They flirt, talk and get a very
basic sense of the other. They are usually
responding to a physical pull. He/she is cute,
funny, charming, interesting to talk to, etc.

Without attraction, first dates wouldn't happen. It
can therefore be assumed that the other person
finds us attractive if we have gotten to a first date.

In a way, this is the easy one. We are unknowns
to each other. Things progress from this point or
they do not. Hurt feelings are minimal. We usually
chalk up rejection to; "I'm not his type". There is no
need to analyze or wonder what went wrong.

If both people feel a strong enough level of
attraction continues to exist after a few dates, they
usually move along to stage two. However, if one
finds the other has unattractive characteristics or
behaviors, this can lead to an abrupt change in the
relationship.

Remember, these behaviors or characteristics
would be ones that would manifest in the very early
stage of dating.

Some examples: frequently late, never offers to
pay, dresses or grooms sloppily, rude to waitress,
etc.

Romantic Relating

In this second stage, couples begin to test out the
idea of themselves as a unit. Dating is no longer
brand new. It is more comfortable and predictable.
Sharing romantic dinners and exciting special
interests are typical dates during this new and fun
time in a growing relationship.

During this stage, flowers are given for no special
reason and loving cards are slipped back and forth
with words like "thinking of you". It's a happy
carefree time, when lovers tend to idealize,
romanticize and overlook that which can be right in
front of them. The relationship seems effortless and
spontaneous. Affection is shared openly and
frequently. One's partner seems perfect. There is
rarely conflict during this period. The partners often
share the unrealistic belief that their relationship is
so special and unique that it will always stay this
way.

This stage can last from three or four months up to
more than a year. It is actually the shortest stage
that any long-term relationship goes through. It is
also the one we wish we could hold on to forever
and long for when it is gone. This is the stage that
love poems speak about. It is also believed (falsely)
by many that this is what long-term committed love
will always be like.

Many relationships begin to stumble at the end of
this period. For that is when reality begins to set
in. As partners begin to experience some
disagreement, conflict and/or shared challenges-
the relationship shifts as do the dynamics between
the partners.

Though many relationships move past this stage, a
number do not. Why? There are many reasons.
These can include:

lack of readiness for the challenges of the next
stage
issues with commitment and fidelity
immature beliefs about what relationships should
be
being stuck on an idealized, romanticized notion of
love
If one of the partners is not ready for a less than
perfect and more demanding stage of love, they will
exhibit this in their behavior, language and overall
level of openness and availability towards the other.

This is when the couple begins to think more
seriously of a future with each other. The focus
tends to be; how well do we get along, do we share
similar interests and do I want to date this person
exclusively?

Growth Through Negotiation

This is a very challenging and growing time in all
relationship building. Reality comes into play as
the couple settles into the comfort and
predictability of their togetherness. Little issues
can become blown-up into large conflicts. The
individuals begin to compete for their share of
control and their place in this growing union.
Differences can become highlighted instead of
minimized.

This is often the period when couples experience
their first fight. Hurt feelings can occur as that once
loving and completely accepting other person airs a
criticism or voices annoyance or concern. Often,
the individuals believe it is the other person who
needs to change.

This is where the need for (or lack of)
communication, problem-solving and negotiating
skills becomes apparent. For without an adequate
measure of these, disagreements can break down
into screaming matches where insults and
recriminations are fired like missiles.

If the individuals can listen, be supportive of each
other's feelings, compromise and not lay blame,
they have a good chance of working through this
stage and achieving a true intimacy. This does not
mean they will share all the same beliefs and
opinions or that they will necessarily even like the
other's view. However, having and showing respect
is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

Not only will relationships fail without these
relationship-building strengths, they can also
abruptly end if one of the partners decides that
they don't feel the same way about this person in
their less than idealized state. The reality may not
be to their liking or just something they are not
ready for in general. Either way, they will pull back,
present differently or disappear without warning.
How they handle their changing feelings is further
information about their level of relationship
readiness and maturity in general.

Intimacy

Intimacy is the reward that is gained when a couple
has successfully worked through the difficult last
stage of negotiation. It is almost like a new coming
together with much greater self (and other)
awareness. This new information can work to
solidify the union or give one of both individuals
enough new information about the other to require a
reassessment of their desire to remain together.

Each person looks at the other in their (naked)
state and asks; "is this the person I want to be
with"? Here their individual differences are
highlighted. The early romantic haze has cleared.
What they have to offer to each other and to a
future life together comes into play.

This is a time when couples often begin to
contemplate each other's attributes in a more
practical way. They look at the other's strengths
and weaknesses. They evaluate each other's
potential as a future spouse, parent, provider,
caregiver, partner, etc.

Relationships can be tested more during this time.
Infidelity is one dysfunctional way that some
individuals do this. Often, this leads to the end of
the relationship.

When differences can be seen, aired and
accepted, the couple has a good chance of moving
on together from this place. Essentially, they have
decided they want to be with the other, warts and
all.

When the behavior of one or both partners change,
it is generally because they have made a
conscious or unconscious decision regarding the
wrongness of the other for them or for the type of
relationship they seek.

Commitment

This is the final stage of relationship building. Once
individuals have reached this place, they are ready
to cement their bond. While much growth and work
will lay ahead in a future life together, they are
ready to begin this life soon.

New challenges arise during each stage, and will
happen here as well. However, if the couple has
successfully worked through the previous stages,
they should have many of the tools they need.

The external problems and pressures that come
with life will test their resolve and commitment over
the years. They may need to reassess, re-
negotiate and renew their feelings and
commitment. Fortunately, they will be in
possession of the basic tools required.

If they choose well to begin with, they should be
successful.

As you evaluate your failed relationship, note the
stage you were in when the change occurred.
Chances are that the necessary level of readiness
and maturity was not present in one or both of you.
Perhaps one of you decided that this is not the
kind of partner or relationship I am seeking.